Wednesday, January 20, 2010


wednesday, jan 20: it's been a long day and my brain is fried eggs. words aren't traveling from my brain to my mouth very quickly and i find myself snapping my fingers impatiently as though that will help me sort through the mess inside my head to find the appropriate sounds and syllables to convey to my seven-year-old exactly what it is i mean. he just looks at me blankly. dammit, why can't he read my mind?? i give up trying to tell him what i want and just reach for him and tug him up on my lap. sometimes i miss his tiny body as a baby, how he just fit in my arms and i could hold him to my heart's content. now, he is more than half my height, and heavy to boot. i can't carry him around the living room anymore to get him to sleep, nuzzling his ear gently while singing coldplay's ticking clocks. i can't say i love him by just picking him up, nestling him in the wrap and going about my normal household chores with him sticking out my side or front as though he's an additional appendage, as necessary as a hand or arm or leg. i miss that, so i drag his child-size body up next to me. he reads, silently mouthing the words he is unfamiliar with, while i watch american idol and savor the weight of his body against mine and caress his head with my nose, breathing deeply of his earthen, windblown smell. i read once that have a child is like having your heart walk outside your body, and that is so true to me. i cherish him, i hold him, i hug him and i think, i never want you to stop being okay with me hugging you.

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